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10 things you need to know about this year's World Cup if you are not a real football fan.
Your footie knowledge might be nil, but we've brought you our bluffer's guide to this year's biggest sporting event, so settle onto your sofa, with your World Cup Feast in hand, and use our cheat's guide to steer you through the World Cup minefield.
1. The opposition players to look out for in England's Group games
USA 12 June
Reason to watch: Landon Donovan. All-American hunk; their top scorer ever with 42 goals.
Algeria 18 June
Reason to watch: midfielder Karim Ziani. Hothead with a distinctly Hitler-esque tache, but still a major hottie.
Slovenia 23 June
Reason to watch: striker Zlatko Dedic. With his mouth shut, he could pass for Matt Damon.
2. Footballers and footie fans are very superstitious
Keep some wood handy and if we beat the USA in the first game, wear the same undies for the next game against Algeria. Washed, of course.
3. Wayne Rooney might look like Shrek but he's a demon goalscorer
Fifa named him, defender John Terry and midfielder Steven Gerrard in their World Team of the Year. Unfortunately, they also named four of Spain's players in their top XI...
4. Our boys to look out for
Sadly there's no Becks, thanks to his Achilles injury, but keep your eyes peeled for these boys instead:
Wayne Rooney: Striker. Hope and pray that Rooooo-nnnaaaaaayyyyy recovers in time. England's talisman has averaged a goal a game in qualifying.
Steven Gerrard: Midfielder. Loyal, committed, scandal-free(ish). All-round genius with an unerring finish. Big heart, huge pecs.
Peter Crouch: Striker. If you like 'em tall (6ft 7), blond and er, not so handsome, then this is the striker for you. Amazing goalscoring record and bizarre 1980s robotic dance celebration.
Frank Lampard: Midfielder. Does a similar job to Stevie G, but has class, gorgeous pecs and is still a key member of the England team. Currently with Christine Blakely of One Show fame.
John Terry/Ashley Cole: Talented? Yes, but let's leave it there!
5. Argentina have the world's best player
22-year-old Barcelona striker Lionel Messi (aptly named, given his hair!)
6. The only rules you need to know
England are never offside, the opposition should never have had a penalty, the ref should've gone to Specsavers.
7. DO...
Sing! The only 'song' you need to know is 'Ing-err-lunnnd, Ing-err-lunnnd, Ing-err-lunnd!' which is really quite easy once you get the hang of it. Take your cue from others before screaming: 'That was never a free-kick, 'ee never touched 'I'm ref!'
Shout: 'Cheat!' when Argentinian manager Maradona appears on TV. We still haven't forgiven his 'Hand of God' goal against us in 1986.
8. DON'T...
Say: 'It's only a game' when we lose on penalties to Germany.
Say, wistfully: 'What a shame Becks isn't playing.' True, but unsayable.
Shout: 'Hoof!' when we aimlessly lump the ball up the pitch. Only when the other side do it.
9. England play in red and white
You can still maintain your sense of style whilst showing support for Our Boys. Red lippie, white T-shirt ought to do it, although for bonus points you should drape the house with England flags whilst squeezing yourself into one of the shirts especially 'designed' for women.
10. Most bookies have us as third favourites behind Spain and Brazil
Stick a fiver on. We're going to win!
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